Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
