yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Randomize
