He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize