I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Randomize
