this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
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