Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
His nipple licking is glorious
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