I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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