oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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