i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
