So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
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