My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
