I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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