I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
