Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
