I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
