I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
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