so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
