so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
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