ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
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