I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Randomize
