tonight lets celebrate not being married
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Randomize
