I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Randomize
