Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize