it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
