i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
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