Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
