hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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