I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
I can't turn off my feet"
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
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