maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
