Pappa wants mamma naked
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
My vagina is officially offended.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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