You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Randomize
