I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Question: does he have any sense of self image? He looks slightly like he crawled out of the Euphrates after living as a fish for 20 years
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
