The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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