True but thats because hes a fetus.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
