my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
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