And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
