My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
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