like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Randomize
