Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
