And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Randomize
