Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
i drank out of a bidet.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Randomize
