Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
PS the last 3 guys I've hooked up with were a CEO, a mechanical bull operator and a magic the gathering player...I need a type...
Ur type is ready and willing
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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