ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
just watched an entire episode so you think you can dance for head. so wasn't worth it
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Holy shit dude........stairs
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