apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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