When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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