mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
