I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize