He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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