Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
