The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Randomize