look no pants
She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
