I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Randomize
