my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
