I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
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