We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
