: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
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