She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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