I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Randomize
