how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
