Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
3 2 1 whiskey
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
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