I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
