But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
